Life After Forty

An unusual situation

Raised by New England Methodists who, until I was a teenager, had very little exposure to the world outside of the Eastern United States. I grew up with puritanical values such as; you never speak about money, show respect to elders, work hard, get an education and do the right thing. In addition, we were never exposed to any ethnic groups except our own anglo saxon middle class friends and relatives.  However, if you could glance at how my life has played out you would guess that I had been raised by California hippies. 

I am living in a beautiful home in Hawaii. Not large by mainland standards but large enough. I moved here with my two sons. Then my brother in law moved in and that lasted about six months until he found a great job in another state. Next my adult daughter moved in and she and I are happily coexisting and caring for the boys and each other. Yesterday my ex-husband moved in. Yes, I know this is a bit unconventional. I left conventions long ago when I decided at 16 that a baby would be great fun to have.

Five years ago a mental health counselor in Belgium told me that the healthiest thing for my sons would be to have both parents living in the same home even though we were no longer in a romantic relationship. I told her she was nuts. How could I watch my ex husband date? That would be excruciating. And how could the kids be better off watching their parents interact with other partners? The woman was clearly not qualified to be giving advice. Obviously one of those out of touch academics.

Fast forward to yesterday. My ex and his girlfriend broke up for good. He no longer lives part time in the Midwest. He has been increasingly depressed each time he leaves the boys. He has spoken to counselors, friends and relatives and they all think that this situation is best for the boys.  So here he is. We converted the living room to an office/bed room for him. The boys share a room and my daughter and  I each have our own rooms. Kind of like a boarding house. Or the Waltons.

Having their dad here is good for the boys. They like having both of us around. They feel safer and act calmer and more respectful. They get more attention from him and I get more time off from them. He’s been staying with us off and on for five years – we have our rhythms. He cooks a lot, I clean a lot, the boys get a united front, and it kind of works.  Because of the diversity, Hawaii is a good place to live this unconventional way. People here are open to different ways of being.  A raised eyebrow or good humored ribbing is the extent of it.

But what about my own boyfriend? How does he feel about my live-in ex husband? Surprisingly he is fine with the whole situation. He is friendly with the ex, even offering to take him hunting (hopefully not to “accidentally” shoot him) and having dinner with him many times over the years. Selfishly he likes that I am able to come stay with him a lot more and he can leave some of my ‘honey-do” list for the ex.  So I lucked out. Many men would have a real territorial war over this. My guy has his faults but he is smart and sees the benefits here.

My ex is a divorce attorney. Sometimes I think the universe planned all of this so that he could be a good example to others. Maybe not. Perhaps as my kids say, it is all “random”. In any case that is where my winding path has led me. A great life in Hawaii with three of my five children and my ex. An unusual situation to be sure – but it could be we are simply the beginning of a healthier trend in divorce.  Let’s hope.